You can to know someone or can we ourselves become a part of that group of people who are constantly obsessed with look good. And, in some cases, the adjective is precisely that: obsessed. To (almost) all we are concerned about look good and we want to help others; It is normal and is part of our presence in society, but there is a rather fine between being worried about other barrier and that worries us the image that have us that our life to be shattered by this. We have taken an extreme case, speaking with a person who has suffered this problem and the therapist who helped her cope, to shed a little light on a subject that affects more people than we think.
When becomes wanting to look good in a problem
That is the first question that we must ask. If, as we said, to a greater or lesser extent, all we are concerned about the image that others have of us and try to help our environment, it can be difficult determine when these attitudes become a problem. The therapist which we have consulted explains: «want to stay well becomes a problem when going to control our lives. If obsesses us, it makes us to be nervous, sad or anxious, then it is likely that there is a pathology».
It is also important to determine who we care most look good. “Is not the same leave it all to go help a friend or close relative that a simple acquaintance. Here should apply the criteria of reciprocity and ask ourselves whether we would expect the same of that person. For example, if our brother or our best friend is sick, it is normal that we want to be by your side and help you, but for a co-worker or a friend that years ago that we are? We need to ask ourselves if we would expect that those people were with us if we were sick and realize that will not always be able to help everyone. It is necessary to prioritize».
Feel obsessed people well being always
We all like to look good. That others have good opinion of us, be part of that group of people who all say ‘is very good person’ and feel satisfied with what we do for others. A priori, it would not have why to be a problem in all this. But, occasionally, there it is. This is what happened to M.P., a 33 year old woman who, in a moment in your life when everything seemed to go well, He began to suffer heavy anxiety episodes and decided to ask for help.
In the consultation of your therapist, found a response that she already imagined. “She lived completely obsessed with get along with others. Era something half way between helping people that I want to and reinforce the image they had of me as someone helpful. If I know that the grandmother of a known aunt had died, I escaped to the morgue at mealtime; If a friend was sick, even if it was just a cold, it took hours of which was to go to see her, to bring a magazine or a soup; «If a friend asked me to accompany him to a place, by very boring that it seemed to me, had the ability to say that not».
M.P. problem was, as she herself acknowledged, and as his therapist made him see, halfway between the obsession with look good and the complex of rescuer, i.e. the constant need to take care of others. «Reached a point in my life where I realized three things: first, that» stress neither work nor any else was generating that I had never brought me the need to get along with others; the second, that my life was at the tail of my priorities, and those of others always passed him over; and the third, who it was that made me wake, which not anything I wanted to absolutely everything he did. Had become a torture to visit sick friends, constantly calling to ask about the health of their families and be informed of whether you could do something for them. And that made me feel so bad person».
Learn to be selfish… and let others know
HB considers that having sought help was the best decision of his life. He had suffered a couple of episodes of anxiety and decided to find the cause. Your therapist explains briefly how could help her (and explains, quite a few more people with this problem of which they dared): “the first step was Locate the source of that anxiety suffering. It was not difficult. Is soon revealed that it was the obsession to get along with people which was affecting him deeply».
The second step came with the reformulation of the term ‘selfishness’. “The idea of being selfish has a negative connotation in society, and it can be sometimes, but it is also necessary. Selfishness, as a way of putting our needs ahead of others and, above all, learn to say no, it is necessary».
M.P. recognizes that Learn to say that it is not one of the more complicated things that has made: «My first ‘no’ came a Sunday.» I was eating with my family and a friend called me to ask me if I could go to pick it up at the airport. Already almost I was catching bag to run for it, when I realized that this was an excellent opportunity to start thinking more in me than in others. I told him no, and I ended up angering even me. Even had called me before he left their flight or had explained to me why they had to be precisely myself who was. Just… it gave for the fact that I would not deny, because it had never done».
It is precisely the reaction that had part of their environment the only negative point which located M.P. in their recovery: “Let’s say I had a lot of very malacostumbrada people. Some people are angry when they saw that he began to be less aware of their needs. Even in spite that this attention was never reciprocal or that do not require the same to other friends of the same group».
In any case, M.P. does not hesitate to consider that asking for help was a great decision. Remember with horror the time that anxiety by being either consumed it and recognizes without blushing that you have in your bedside table «one of the first tasks that my therapist sent me: develop a list of people who are really important to me, with my name at the top»
His therapist reminds him that “is still way to go, but the bases are placed. Anxiety is a widespread disorder and that will not be resolved from one day to another. It may seem interested that I say it, but asking for professional help is always a very positive first step».
What role plays the self-esteem in our need to look good
On many occasions, wanting to get along with others hides a problem of self-esteem: We do not like as we are, we fear not like no others and we strive to do everything possible that we appreciate.
Working our self-esteem and our own vision of ourselves is the best job we can do to not allow the problem to exceed US. “In many cases, the obsession to get along with others just leading even to lie, because, in the desire of the person produce a good impression, lies about his own life or, in the case of helping others, lies on the reasons why the has been able to not approach to see a sick friend or a compromise didn’t he go. This only gets to add guilt to all the vortex of feelings you already caused by the situation. In all, the unique situation is to go to the source, low self-esteem or other reason».