Said Diana Vreeland, that “the style is everything. It is a way of living. Without it you are nothing”. But I increasingly believe more firmly that in reality this legendary editor, this woman who revolutionized the fashion editorials, although he used the word “style” in the background was referring to “self-esteem”. The ability to evaluate himself and appreciate what one is. A more scarce than it should be. And something that we do not know very well why, is not taught to reinforce since we were small.
Why? And what we have to do to get a good portion of self-esteem? Where do you buy?
We live in a historical moment in which it is virtually impossible to live up to and not feeling the pressure of physical perfection. Or not judge us to ourselves only from this unique approach. We can ignoring much of what dictates the common sense, because it seems that the ordinary is the nonsense.
Being a handsome man or a pretty woman to the edge of the impossible It seems that it is the only thing that matters. Diana Vreeland never had it easy, because she was born with a face of the most peculiar and until his mother helped to try to reduce their self-esteem by comparing it to his sister, who was beautiful.
However, Diana had that what many lack: a healthy self-esteem. And the belief that there is no one better than the optimal version of oneself. Oh, and that imperfections make us even more special. Reading his biography you must admire this woman who broke barriers and became a reference in a world marked by physical beauty. And above all, and in my case, wondering where I can get a ration of self-esteem to throw me into the world with the same faith in myself that she had.
But as it is clear that having a good self-esteem is not as easy as to offer him, went to the Center map systemic in the District of Moncloa (Madrid), where two experts, Maribel Moreno, a clinical psychologist and systemic psychotherapist and Francisco Herrera, physician and systemic psychotherapist, I have been given a series of guidelines and tips to get that kilo or kilo and quarter of self-esteem that I need to get out to the world.
Self-esteem or how we like ourselves
We can define self-esteem as the capacity that a person has to valued, respected and accept herself as is, with its strengths and weaknesses; It is to accept ourselves with what we like and do not like about ourselves.
Maribel Moreno and Francisco Herrera to tell me that “a good self-esteem is related to a greater capacity to meet challenges and hardships of life as well as easier to assume our own mistakes and frustrations.
On the contrary, low self-esteem is associated with a greater limitation for this purpose and the presence of preconceptions and perceptions of failure to unreached goals.”
Okay, I understand priori what I explain these two experts, but I still have a huge doubt: Some people have a good self-esteem and others do not? How can I get it? Are there any college degree or master?
The experts of the Center map systemic explained me that self-esteem It is not something that you learn the mañan overnighta. but that “you are forming throughout all stages of life. Our genetics can equip ourselves to provide features that facilitate highlight socially (have a nice voice or a physical “accompanying”). In addition, during the first years of life the person goes forming his personality and self concept”.
But there are life experiences that may influence the construction of self-image, both positive (to fall to people, success in romantic relationships, feel integrated in the Group’s membership…) and negative (suffering from an illness or injury that hampers social contact or leave sequelae in the physical aspect). Come on, you random or our personal circumstances have both or more weight what the qualities with which we are born. Go Tin if you have bad luck…
“Fortunately we have life to improve the vision we have of ourselves.” Maribel Moreno and Francisco Herrera systemic map.
How do I know that I have a good self-esteem?
Sure you have you noticed also in those people who a priori has nothing out of the ordinary but comfortable you feel in your own skin, whether on the street, in a restaurant, on the beach… And they attract attention precisely by that security in themselves.
But no need to be so self-confident to think that you don’t have self-esteem. As in all things, it should find the balance. Our two experts, Maribel Moreno and Francisco Herrera, give us guidelines to know when to start worrying about the lack of self-esteem. In general, when any of these conditions comes into play:
The automatic loss of options.
Ignoring their potential, you have so little confidence in its possibilities that it inhibits certain challenges. In addition, ignoring their needs, the person neglects self-care, both physical and emotional. This causes at the same time that increasingly are more depleted in its real possibilities: is typical of the adolescent stage as the / the young neglects food or sport to ignore its potential and relying on superficial aesthetic elements who believe that they give more value.
B the self-sabotage.
Not only I do not care, but I neglect. It would be a “lost river”: a classic example is the following thought: “as I feel fat, I bought clothes that cover my body without thinking about aesthetics or even buy me clothes.”
C (damn) comparisons.
In this case, the thought leads to set ourselves and compare ourselves only with those who are above us in a specific aspect. It’s a thought-badly polarized, without chiaroscuro: the body of a model is the goal that must be achieved, is the standard from which we measure the rest. The rest is only “consolation prize”.
D the victimhood.
The tendency to blame others of what happens, opt for the complaint and not deal with the responsibility of the situation and what could do to change it is another feature: “my bosses don’t value me” but I do not present any proposal for improvement in the work that has occurred to me since I guess that they will reject.
And if I have a problem with my self-esteem, where can I find it?
Is that clear: you are the person who is always with you, which should influence more in what you think of yourself. It seems logical that the origin of your self-esteem is inside you.
As it is also the logical sea get along with yourself and be your best friend. Send you messages that make you feel better, in the same way that you do that every day with people that you like. But how should be those messages?
Of course, Maribel Moreno and Francisco Herrera, the experts that we have consulted on this issue, There is no “magic formula”, but they do give us some tips to follow:
(1) send positive messages about your virtues.
If you’re used to focus attention on your defects you’re not only being partial and unfair with you, but we’re missing the opportunity to bring out your best features, preventing that also others see them and appreciate them.
(2) Please aim achievement instead of perfection.
A 5 is also an approved, Although it is not the 10 that I would have liked to have. If I only accept me in the perfection I have many possibilities to never accept me.
(3) consider the mistakes as learning opportunities.
You agree that you commit mistakes because everyone commits them. Mistakes are part of the learning. Remember that the skills of a person are in constant development, and each excels in different things -This is what makes it interesting to people.
(4) take a chance at new experiences.
This will take you to different aspects of yourself and discover skills that perhaps you didn’t know. Then congratulate you not only for the discovered but by the fact of having dared to something new.
(5) identifies what can change and what not.
Some features we can work with them: be more talkative or more patient; others, however, will never make it: I can not change my physical stature once I am adult. It works at first and not waste time complaining about the second.
(6) dare to express your opinions.
Learn and dare to defend them without thinking that they are worse than the rest.
Low self-esteem, the origin of serious problems
Not feel good with yourself not only means that you feel bad in a swimsuit or insecure about your body. According to our experts, Maribel Moreno and Francisco Herrera, have low self-esteem can lead to difficulties in various fields of life, as for example
Depression: If my message about me is always negative or worse that do it from others, finally suffer a chronic dissatisfaction which can lead me to States of sadness permanent without a glimmer of hope in a better life. As we saw earlier, self-sabotage will prevent me dare to achieve desired goals, so I confirm my worst predictions about myself.
Emotional dependency: My low self esteem can take me to think that I need the rest of what I actually need them. Especially I approach people that I consider admirable by some special feature; be your friend or your partner will give me the validity that I don’t think I have by myself. It is common to move from a relationship to another given the difficulty of being alone, without a choice criterion. “Best evil accompanied only”.
Abuse: as a result of the above, there is a risk I approached people seemingly very secure that detect my insecurity and abuse me, even reaching the psychological or physical abuse.
Risk behaviour: the sad mood, the approach to “admirable” people (the more daring of the Group of friends, for example) and our need to be accepted by them or self-sabotage lead to behaviors that make us believe that we are worth more or to enable us to escape from our negative feelings. Thus, the use of drugs with the risk of creating us an addiction or other self-destructive behaviors that go against our own values is not uncommon.